For some time, I have being collaborating with a fellow creator, Phil (i_am_foggy), on a memoir type book. Writing a chapter each on how we met, and how our lives took us from Yorkshire, to new homes across the globe. We are not sure where we will take this, but it is good to go through the process. The posts are published to our Medium publication, but thought I would share a post here, and see if this kind of thing is of any interest.
A lot has changed over the years. You notice this more when you get older, and start getting a little introspective. When I say a little more, I obviously mean a lot more. I was born introspective, and have got worse with the passing of time. Birthdays have a good way of bringing this on. As do the year ends. And for me, both come within a week of each other. Creating a natural pause in life’s usual rhythm. And it helps that I have time off work. Time to spend with friends and loved ones. Assessing where I am in life. And making little tweaks, or adjustments to stay on course.
Not that I believe we can totally chart the course of our lives. Life has a habit of getting in the way of our plans. And sometimes all we can do is roll with it. But some markers help me set a little direction. And keep me focussed on my life goals.
If you have ever read a self help book, and I have, possibly too many, you will know that the most commonly asked question is a variation of, if tonight is your last night on earth, what would have regretted not doing? Not what do you regret doing. There is no fixing that, other than learning from the experience. But, what do you regret not doing? At the end of each year, and with each passing birthday, I allow myself a little time to think about this, and then what can I do to ensure I am not left with these regrets.
This is not to be confused with some kind of existential crisis. Or the onset of a mid life crisis. Am I too old for this? What would you classify as mid life? I have images of midlife crises being suffered by men entering their 40s. I’m at the stage of exiting my 40s. Does this become a two thirds life crisis? Will people in their 50s be suffering midlife crises in a decade from now? No, my problem is not a midlife crisis, I don’t think. It is simply an acknowledgement that we have one life, we can do what we want with it, so what do I want to do.
Invariably most of my thoughts centre around travel, and my mind scans a mental globe for the places I yearn to go to, and haven’t yet. And it is a yearning. A deep desire to see as much of the world as possible. I once almost picked up one of those scratch maps of the world, that you can slowly scratch off the countries you visit. What stopped me was the knowledge, the deep knowledge that I would only get depressed, and start fixating on where I hadn’t been, not where I had.
A by product of some of these travel dreams involve learning a second language. Not only do I find it incredibly impressive hearing people seamlessly switch between languages, but I also feel ignorant, and lazy, that I know only the one. One of my travel dreams involves living and immersing myself in the life and culture of a foreign speaking country. Preferably a Spanish speaking country.
I’m not sure I was always like this. Or if I was, it was a latent, sleeping desire, that I hadn’t unleashed. And didn’t get unleashed until my early 20s. Up to that point I had only left the UK twice. Both short haul trips. Both for a period of 7 days. I was hardly Phileas Fogg. But that backpacking trip to Australia, in the summer of 1994, was the trigger. The point I can look back on and say, you, you are responsible for the wanderlust that has been a big part of my life ever since.
Maybe I was born with a travelling gene. Perhaps it is somewhere in my family tree. Some long lost family member who I can attribute this longing to. Maybe I wasn’t born with it, but subsequently developed it. But whichever way around it was, it no doubt had a large part to play in my finding myself in Dublin, alone, on a wet Monday in April back in 2006.
For most of my adult life I have done whatever I can to ensure my life includes a large element of unconventionality. Sometimes to the point where I have pressed the self destruct button if I felt things were getting too settled. The status quo unnerves me. I can’t explain why, only to tell you it does. If life starts to feel too comfortable, too settled, I start to feel very uneasy. Start questioning my every decision. Start looking for ways to flip the coin again and see how it lands.
Because, heads or tails, life goes on. Sometimes in a different direction. Sometimes in a better direction. Sometimes, worse, at least for a while. But rest assured, life does go on. And by throwing away what I have, opens my life up to what I don’t have. If I keep doing this, how can I possibly experience that, is how my mind works. To date, my life has been full of amazing experiences. I have had the love of some amazing people. Some still love me. Some would probably prefer I was dead. Most are probably ambivalent. A lot will have forgotten me. But I have made these choices. And probably will continue to.
I could churn out cliche after cliche for you, but I don’t need to. I only need to tell you how I feel, and what my life philosophy is. My life could end at any point. Literally. I hope it doesn’t, but accepting that knowledge frees you to enjoy life more fully. I buy into the Buddhist philosophy that life is just a phase, in the same way that death is a phase. You can’t have one, without the other. I am reconciled to this knowledge. I am not saying that everyday is a holiday. Or that I don’t have any responsibilities. I do. That is part of living too. But I like to keep any responsibilities to a minimum. And I like to keep my possessions to a minimum, where possible. And in between working, to pay my way in life, I also like to apportion a large part of my income to travel plans, and life experiences for the next 12 months. Why 12 months? I believe that this is a manageable horizon to plan against. The next 12 months is close enough to be able to make tangible plans and really believe they will come to fruition. Beyond that, life tends to take over.
Sure, I could try and have grand plans for later years. Try and provide an answer to the asinine interview question that asks “where do you want to be in 5 years?” I don’t know, I want to shout. How do any of us? Should I just get my head down for a number of years and enjoy my life when i’m retired? No thank you. That approach is not for me, for a number of reasons. Amongst them is the number of people, friends and family, I know that have had the same “plan”, only to not then be around to enjoy their freedom. And if they were, would they be in the physical shape they wanted to be to travel and enjoy the hardships that travel brings?
So for now, my life remains a precarious balance. I do a job that I would rather not do, just so I can earn the money I need to do the things I like to do. The ideal scenario is to get a job, or vocation, that I enjoy. And yes, that dream still burns. I would love to get out of the offices that I have spent over 20 years in. Actually, today is my 29th anniversary of starting work. Shit, where has that time gone?
I would love to create something. I recently read that the fabulous author, E. Annie Proulx didn’t write her first novel until she was 57. I can still dream. I would love to be my own boss. As with all my plans, these remain on the list, and hopefully, one New Year’s Eve, when I am pencilling in my plans for the following year, these make the cut.
Would you call these a bucket list? I do. Even if in the truest sense of the phrase is that you know your destiny, your departure date, and there are things you have a time limit to complete. I call mine my annual bucket list. Things I want to experience, accomplish, and see before I know i’m dying. Well, I KNOW i’m dying. We all are. We just don’t know when.
I am obviously older than I think, according to a new story published by the Lonely Planet. Apparently, Thailand have introduced a new level of long stay visa, to attract “seniors” in the autumn of their life. The starting age for these so called seniors? 50. Yup, in 3 and a bit years I am officially a senior in the eyes of the Thai government. The jury is still out on whether this is a good thing or not. One thing I do know is that I could live a lot more cheaply in Thailand. The more I think of it, the more it appeals.
